An Unconventional Wedding
by SassyJ
Summary: AU. Follow up to Defence Against Jo Masters, which I know isn't quite done yet, but I could not resist..... There will be adult encounters.
1. Chapter 1

_Because I can... because I was dreaming about this last night... and because I just have to publish or burst... guess who they all are?!  
_

* * *

Jack Meadows switched out the last light and left the office. He had no intention of heading down to the Stag do, which had started at least an hour earlier, tomorrow's wedding was blowing his mind already. He rubbed his forehead and tried to sort it all out straight in his mind.

_One bride, one groom, check. The bride's matron of honour is the former lover of the groom, and the bride's girlfriend is giving the bride away to the groom. The bride's girlfriend will be taking care of the bride and groom's baby daughter while the bride and groom take his foster daughter to EuroDisney for their honeymoon, all 72 hours of it. The groom's best man is the arch rival of the groom, and another former lover of the matron of honour, the groom's page boy and ringer bearer is the groom's foster daughter._

_The best man's main role is to get the groom to the ceremony, in one piece and able to stand upright unaided, being sufficiently lucid to know what he's saying would be a plus too. The bride, being no fool, has arranged for two of her most trusted fellow officers to follow the groom and the best man and make sure that this happens._

It was all rather confusing, really.


	2. Operation Bridegroom

_Always have a back up plan... Dedicated to mrs-stuart-turner ... imagination is a wonderful thing  
_

* * *

Terry Perkins sighed, _being assigned to follow Stuart and Phil to make sure that they didn't get into too much trouble has its downside._

"We'd better go and get them."

Mickey nodded. "As much as it would be a good laugh to leave them there, we did promise Jo."

They got out of the car.

"Just a couple of photos. For posterity." Mickey looked at Terry. They grinned. Despite their mission, this was just too good to miss.

* * *

Terry phoned Jo "Mission accomplished."

"And they're both alright?" he could hear the anxious tone in her voice.

"They're both fine, or at least they will be by morning." Terry lifted the edge of the duvet, "some minor scrapes and bruises, Max and Callum Stone handcuffed them to the railings outside Barton Street, stark naked ... oh, and Stuart has an interesting souvenir. I'll send you a photo."

"Souvenir?"

"You'll see. Bye, and see you at the wedding ... Mrs Turner."

"Bye love." He could hear the laugh in her voice, _that's better._

Terry aimed his phone's camera at his Sergeant's interesting souvenir. _This will make you laugh, Jo._

He checked the photo's quality and hit the send button.

* * *

The soft beep announcing an incoming message interrupted them. Jo grabbed the phone. _Oh...no...poor Stuart..._ she was grinning like an idiot.

"What?" Sam reached out and took the phone from Jo's slack fingers. "Oh my!"

Terry's camera skills left nothing to the imagination. Stuart, face down on the bed, naked as the day he was born, some strange markings on his naked backside. The second photo rearranged the markings into a readable statement, PROPERTY OF JO MASTERS was scrawled across his left buttock in what looked like permanent black marker, some how Sam knew it would be permanent marker, someone had crossed out Masters and written Turner underneath in slightly wobbly purple letters, and there was a strange letterbox shaped marking under that, right in the middle of his left cheek. Sam peered at it, it was very small...

His colleagues had date stamped his backside.

Sam looked at Jo, and they collapsed in giggles.


	3. Hair of the Dog

_Hair of the dog that bit them..._

* * *

_Oh god..._ Phil Hunter pushed himself into a sitting position, legs dangling over the edge of the bed, one hand clutching his head, in case the top decided to fall off. He screwed his eyes shut, which didn't really help, the red spots still danced and jangled. He'd had a few hang overs in his time, but this one was gold plated, five star and there for the duration.

The broad strokes of what happened last night were fine, he remembered drinking copious amounts celebrating Stuart's last night as a single man, and to Phil that truly was cause for celebration. That Stuart would no longer be his love rival for the affections of one Samantha Nixon, Detective Inspector and the love of his life was truly a celebration for Phil. He and Stuart had had their differences, _okay, differences is an understatement_, but he was genuinely happy for the younger man. But the details of what happened after about 9 pm last night were sketchy to say the least, he remembered feeling very cold at one point, and wondering why they appeared to be outside Barton Street nick. His wrists felt a bit sore, and he was at a loss to remember what happened to his clothes.

Phil turned, trying to place how exactly he managed to wind up in this bed, the duvet on the other side was bunched up, and there was clearly someone still asleep under it. Phil smiled in spite of his headache, he hadn't lost his touch.

Deciding to put off the evil moment of having to face the day, he slid back under the covers, "come here you gorgeous creature" he muttered, closing his eyes, and sliding up close and personal with the body in the other side of the bed. The moment his hand came in contact with the other body he realised that all was not well. The body was decidedly not female. Phil's eyes flew open, and he yanked the duvet back. He'd just put the moves on Stuart, who had been trying to decide which bit hurt the worst. Horrified, they shot apart.

"What the..." Stuart sat up. And wished he hadn't. Sitting up should have taken hours of careful planning. His head was pounding, his stomach felt like it had been lined with battery acid, added to that sore wrists, a number of inexplicable scrapes on his anatomy, and for some reason he couldn't remember a thing past about 8.30 the night before. He glared at his best man, "this wasn't supposed to happen." he croaked.

"Well don't blame me, it did." Phil was still trying to get over the fact that he'd nearly kissed the back of Stuart's neck, he winced at the thought.

Stuart swung his legs over the edge of the bed. Today was his wedding day, and it was supposedly the best man's job to make sure the bridegroom arrived in top nick for the wedding, _might have known Phil would have other ideas,_ he thought gloomily. He stood up. Big mistake, the room swooped and swayed, and Stuart had to grab the headboard of the bed to remain upright. After the room settled down to just a gentle sway, he had time to notice that his best man was squinting at his rear, the grin that settled itself over Phil's features did nothing for Stuart's peace of mind.

"What??" Stuart twisted round trying to squint at his own backside.

_It's definitely worth the hangover for that alone._ Phil took some pity on his sometime buddy and arch rival, handed him the shaving mirror. Stuart wished fervently that he hadn't looked, how he would explain that one to Jo, was a thought which was occupying his mind.

The pounding in his head, resolved itself into a knocking at the door. Stuart walked over to open it without thinking.

Terry and Mickey stood there grinning at him. _Oh just great..._ Stuart sighed, he had no idea how he'd wound up with a sign written backside, but he was sure his colleagues could tell him. He stepped back to let them pass.

Terry handed him a large cardboard cup full of coffee. "Extra sugar in that," he said "from the looks of you, you're going to need it."

"There's no need to shout," Stuart held his head with his free hand, "I'm not deaf."

"Well, Carol will be round shortly with your clothes for the wedding, and we're under strict orders from Jo to get you two to the wedding on time and in some kind of condition to take part." Mickey was enjoying his role, just a little too much. "So we figured hair of the dog, and a nice long shower ought to do the trick." He nodded to his companion, and they grabbed Stuart and propelled him into the bathroom.

The water was freezing and Stuart yelped when they shoved him under it, but then someone turned on the hot tap and it began to warm up a bit. Five minutes later, and he at least felt human again, and since it was now Phil's turn for the cold water treatment, he could even feel a bit smug about it too.


	4. Done up like a Dog's Dinner

_The mushy bit... part one._

* * *

_Hangovers and wing collar shirts with studs just don't go together._ Stuart sighed as he tried for the fourth time to hold the collar, line up all the little holes and put the stud through it, the moment he thought he had it, the collar sprang apart again.

"Need some help?"

Stuart could hear the smirk in his best man's voice, _oh that's just great..._ Even getting dressed, Phil was still competing. He glanced across at the source of his annoyance, and noted that his nemesis was fully dressed and lounging on the bed, watching his struggles with amusement. Stuart glared at him. "You think?" he said sarcastically.

Phil took pity on him, besides time was marching on and they didn't have all day. "Mate, it's the bride who's fashionably late, so..." he grabbed the stud and with an ease which did nothing for Stuart's temper, fastened it in one practiced move.

Five minutes and Stuart was fully dressed. He paused to check himself out in the mirror, he really hadn't been sure about Jo and Carol's choice, but he had to admit they'd been right, he did look good. Phil's lips twitched, Stuart's usual dress sense ran to jeans, t-shirts and jumpers, _at least Jo's improved that..._

Though he had to admit, Jo's choice of suits for the wedding looked really good on. Phil took a moment to admire his reflection in the mirror, hurriedly became aware that Stuart was doing the same thing, and then the smug look in Stuart's eyes as he clocked Phil checking his own reflection.

Phil frowned. _In competition... at this rate... until the day we die!_

He laid a heavy hand on Stuart's shoulder. "Come on loverboy, we're late."

Stuart scowled, "and who's fault's that..."

"Hey, you're in one piece," Phil remembered the writing on Stuart's backside which had resisted his attempts to wash it off, "mostly." He grinned... and pushed his buddy/rival through the door. "We're late..." he reminded Stuart.

Stuart bit back what he had been going to say, and headed for the car.

* * *

Jo Masters stood in front of the mirror and took a really good look at herself. _I never ever dreamed that this day would come, that I would be marrying a man, and that the woman I love is giving me to the man I love._

Carol was so right. Jo had never been happier. When she'd first met this incredible woman, Jo had been completely bowled over. True to his word, Stuart had given her the time and space to discover how she really felt. And for a while Jo had felt very torn. She loved them both. Then one night, when they were alone, Stuart had gone down on one knee and asked her to marry him. The ring was beautiful, simple and modern, and Jo had loved it instantly. Looking into his face, she could see the pleading, and the fear in his eyes. "Yes." One little word, and he'd gathered her into his arms, and held her so tightly she wondered if she would ever breathe again. One small cloud her relationship with Carol.

But Carol had understood. She'd welcomed Stuart and Mai, then Jo and Stuart's baby girl with open arms. Jo hadn't thought it would be possible to be this lucky, two people who really loved her and whom she really loved to make her life about as perfect as perfect could be... _damn, thought this sort of thing only happened in fairy tales..._

Explaining it all to Jo's mother had been quite a performance. Mrs Masters had been startled that her only daughter, whom she had long since accepted would not be having a white wedding or producing any grandchildren was about to do both. _Okay, white is a slight stretch of the imagination... but..._

Carol had designed it, _thank god she's an artist, I wouldn't have had a clue._ Silk and lace, the complicated design had about a million buttons running up the back, _which will drive Stuart nuts tonight, _a white trouser suit. Jo didn't do skirts, not even getting married could change that.

She did a slow twirl in front of the mirror. The suit was gorgeous. A one piece sleeveless silk and lace number, with a short matador style jacket to convert it from outrageously sexy to demure. Carol had done her hair, smooth, sleek and sophisticated french twist. Jo could hardly recognise herself. And she badly wanted to see Stuart's reaction to her outfit.

Sam quietly watched her friend from the doorway. _Jo looks stunning ...Stuart would fall in love with her just looking at her, if he hadn't already._ A small pang in her heart, once Stuart had held a small place there, then foolishness, fear and anger, the force of circumstances and the real love of her life had torn that all apart.

_Phil... what am I going to do about Phil. I can't live with him, I can't live without him. It's utterly impossible, he's unreliable, juvenile, a hustler, a romancer, everything I don't need in my life but he's the missing half of myself..._

A tear slid silently down Sam's cheek, caught up in the emotions of this most peculiar yet utterly real wedding.

* * *

Zero hour, Stuart and Phil stood and waited for the bride to arrive. Stuart couldn't actually remember being this nervous before, in his entire life. The moment he saw Jo, nerves disappeared, suddenly everything came together, it was just them. He would be hard put to remember who else was there, because there was only Jo.

Jo couldn't remember being stared at that intensely in her entire life. The look in Stuart's eyes held her entire attention, when Carol stepped back and she put her hand in his, looked up into his face and knew that he loved her, knew that this weird arrangement would work, whatever came, because love changes everything.

The brief ceremony passed in a blur, with the promise of their future secured, Stuart slid the ring onto her finger, then it was her turn, as she took his hand and slid the ring onto his finger, the promise in his eyes was almost too much. He pulled her close against him, and kissed her passionately.

* * *

_Not a dry eye in the house,_ thought Gina Gold, as Stuart Turner and Jo Masters confounded the entire station by becoming Mr & Mrs


	5. Taking it to the Limit

_The mushy bit... part two. I make no apologies for unashamed romanticism, this is dedicated to my fellow SP and JS fans out there, you know who you are... thanks for reading and all the amazing comments you keep giving. Enormous thanks go the The Eagles, for the song which I listened to eight times while writing this, Take it to the Limit._

* * *

Early evening and along came the part that Jo had been simultaneously looking forward to and dreading; the opening waltz. Her mother had sent her to ballroom dancing classes as a child, and whilst Jo had never before found the skill particularly useful, she knew this was the moment... there was only one small problem, Stuart had two left feet when it came to this sort of thing. They'd tried a couple of times, but it had been a bit of a disaster. Now every eye in the place would be on them alone for at least three or four minutes.

But Stuart got to his feet, and held out his hand to her. Slightly puzzled Jo put her hand in his, she'd expected him to be really reluctant. He led her on to the dance floor. As the introductory chords began, Jo relaxed...and followed Stuart's lead.

_All alone at the end of the of the evening  
And the bright lights have faded to blue  
I was thinking 'bout a woman who might have  
Loved me and I never knew_

"Where did you learn to do this?" she whispered in his ear.

"Carol taught me. I didn't want to show you up..."

"Oh hun. You know we're being watched. Wonder what they're all thinking?"

_You know I've always been a dreamer  
(spent my life running 'round)  
And it's so hard to change  
(can't seem to settle down)  
But the dreams I've seen lately  
Keep on turning out and burning out  
And turning out the same_

"Well, pleasure looking at the beautiful and amazing woman I just married ..." he bent his head a little closer and whispered in her ear, "...and anticipation that her muppet husband is going to step on her toes." He swung her into a complicated set of turns,

_So put me on a highway  
And show me a sign  
And take it to the limit one more time_

"which isn't going to happen, I promise."

She smiled up at him, and slid her hand to a slightly different position, bringing their bodies even closer, the look in his expressive brown eyes told her everything. Hope, joy and promises.

_You can spend all your time making money  
You can spend all your love making time  
If it all fell to pieces tomorrow  
Would you still be mine?_

They were oblivious to the flash bulbs going off around them, as most of Sun Hill's uniform and CID watched with mixed pleasure and anticipation.

_And when you're looking for your freedom  
(nobody seems to care)  
And you can't find the door  
(can't find it anywhere)  
When there's nothing to believe in  
Still you're coming back, you're running back  
You're coming back for more_

Phil stood behind Sam, and breathed in her scent. He didn't know why, or how it had happened, but this one small woman was as necessary to him as breathing. Watching Stuart and Jo together, he had been going to make a snide remark about Stuart not being Fred Astaire, but somehow watching the couple together, he found himself smiling, _they actually look incredible together._ Something about Stuart and Jo's happiness made him feel happy too, he slid closer to Sam, and put an arm round her waist. He expected her to pull away from him. Instead she leaned back against him.

_So put me on a highway  
And show me a sign  
And take it to the limit one more time_

Sam watched Stuart and Jo, moving like round the dance floor like they were born to it, _okay, not exactly Astaire and Rogers, but they have got a certain style._ And they looked great together. She turned her head, and rested her cheek against Phil's shoulder. That was probably wrong, but she didn't care, caught up in the romance of the moment. Her best friend and new husband were moving through a very complicated set of steps leading to the end of the dance.

_Take it to the limit  
Take it to the limit  
Take it to the limit one more time_

As the song came to an end, Stuart made good on at least one of those promises, pulling Jo firmly against him, they kissed passionately to the chorus of catcalls and clapping. More flashbulbs.

Phil turned Sam in his arms, looked down into her face, what he saw there made him pull her gently closer. They relaxed into the kiss, promises given and received. Sam closed her eyes, _this is here and now, tomorrow will have to take care of itself, because I can't fight me and him now._

Behind them, the dance floor filled up as Jo and Stuart made their way back to the table. Mai sitting on Carol's knee as she rocked the pram with her free hand. Their baby girl was making her annoyance felt... Stuart bent over the pram and picked her up.

"What's the matter, Lily Rose?" As he brought her close against his chest, "phew, someone's a little ripe..."

Jo reached out for her daughter, "give her to me."

He shook his head, "no, I'll do it."

Jo bent down and rummaged at the bottom of the pram for a nappy and some wipes. Stepped closer to her husband, seeing the bright shine of tears in his eyes. "Stuart?"

His whispered reply nearly had her in tears too, "didn't think it was possible I could ever be this happy."

She handed him the nappy and wipes, knowing he needed a moment to himself.


End file.
